[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
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5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.