Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
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[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!