I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
What an awful time to have common sense.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
This line from Airplane.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
can’t catch a break
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.