“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
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Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Time for evil
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.