My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
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I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Are you ok, human???
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch