every. time.
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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.