Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
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my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
what does he know…
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10