Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
You Might Also Like
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
She: I like Cats
He:
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]