Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
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“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything