an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
You Might Also Like
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.