i now pronounce you bounced.
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Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Dishonest mechanic?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.