Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
You Might Also Like
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.