No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
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ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Oh deer
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
jesus, what did this guy do
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
O Wise One….