Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
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*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor