I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
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Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.