Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
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Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.