I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
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The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Shortcut
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.