Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
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Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.