[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.