Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…