The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
This headline is a thing of beauty
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Lmao
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.