I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
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Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.