I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Actually cracking up @ this
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?