Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
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You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
the Monday after daylight savings
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”