In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
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My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I’m not proud
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him