It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
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Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.