Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
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Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
just gave your address to some spiders
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡