this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
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My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.