I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
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Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house