if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
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On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
this has to be peak English
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
i want to work in this restaurant
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much