Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
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Did I do this right
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Body by Oreos
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.