A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
You Might Also Like
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
WTF
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?