If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.