#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
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*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
There are usually two types of merchants.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy