My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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Going to church you guys need anything
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in