I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
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No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Bless you
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.