I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
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Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
damn he’s good
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.