A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
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sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Today’s Times
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?