I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
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My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?