My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
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Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.