Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
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[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.