Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
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Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me if I was a dog
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear