Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
bears
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Me in tagged photos
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
The only equipped I am is ill.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.