[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
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It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.