If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
You Might Also Like
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My typo game is string.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*