This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
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My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.