I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
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“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Proctology is located in A55
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear