If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.