So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Black Friday “markdowns” like
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.