THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
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My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
What about a To-Don’t List?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts